Healing the Past

My past has personified itself in the last 2 months. The hardest relationships in my life, the most beautiful and the most toxic have quite literally been clawing their way onto every communication device I own………….. whether they work or not.

Calls and words, promises and regrets, invitations and wistful longing.

I’m left asking why…why them? Why now?

Is it closure? Is it renewal? Are they different, are they safer? Will they break my heart? Will they even rip it from me?

My wounds feel fresh again.  I question my weaknesses, I question my meds.  Mostly I am fearful.  It feels like too much to expect from me right now.  Too much to ask of me…to risk their friendships…again.

I do not………..feel strong.

So what do I do?  More questions…….

I am feeling contained in my mania.  It’s all there, in capitals, as I close my eyes, as I look around my apt…In almost all music.

I believe I have fallen again….I believe I see the fall.  I feel halted ….

Except I’m trapped, as if any motion, any thought, any experience will trigger my descent.

Chaos confined.

In the spinning, in all the spinning, I mainly see the good.  Everything good that was.

I am so confused, so hurt, so scared.

See I love them.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Dad’s death………..god I hate that word…it is concise I’ll give you that, but it feels like the definitive bookend, like it’s the only thing my dad ever did was to die.

It always seemed strange to me that it’s the anniversary of his passing that we note….Like that’s a day any of us want to remember….

It took years to get into Christmas again…..I used to wear protective earphones with my discman for fear of breaking down at the dulcet tones of Bing Crobsy.   But I did it…it took a long time but I did it.

Maybe because all of the men reaching out to me have, in many ways, been slices of that male figure… There was a time when I believed not one of them would hurt me…

I now just feel loss and distrust.

I wish I felt otherwise, I wish I knew how to forgive and to trust again….I want to.

This is the part where I’d love to talk solutions, answers……directions towards the right light.  I don’t know if I have any general terms by which to measure this….This in particular, is most specific to all the little variables…………. That compose our song…The rise, the fall….n’ all.

I want to see us all around a table, smiling and loving and swapping stories…I don’t even know if that’s possible.  Somehow I doubt it…

So what can I do for now?….I can’t set the table……

I can try to breathe……?……I’ve heard good things about breathing……………………………..

Sometimes I realize I’ve been holding my breath, for god knows how long until I have to gasp.  It’s a strange sensation…

Now……………if I could just figure out how to breathe….

Come On America

Come on America……………Stop Being Fat

These were the last words after an episode of “The Cleveland Show”, a spin off of “Family Guy”  two of the brainchildren of Seth McFarland.

….Family Guy, so popular that after it was cancelled.  fox (I refuse to give them a capital letter) took one look at the epic DVD sales and managed to re-hire them.  American Dad was introduced in the interim and now we have three shows with McFarland’s unique and sometimes laser sharp point of view.

A viewer ship of over 1 million most weeks, and that doesn’t even count Hulu and other online services, which is where I watch it.

That’s a lot of people with the same sense of humor.

I am wary of my opinion here, as I do not want to come across as Isaac Hayes did when he quit doing voiceover work for south park because they attacked Scientology............Especially because as Chef he mocked them all…I could find a list but trust me he slung mud at the best of them.

I watch all of Seth McFarland’s work, have done for years.  I think he has an incredible wit and his voice acting and singing are about as good as it gets.  He is an amazing talent.  What I do have a problem with is, some, just some of the verbal hits he has served over the years.

One that comes to mind is a barber shop quartet singing “You’ve got Full Blown Aids” in four part harmony.  I thought that was over the line.  My line.  I’m not exactly sure where my line is, some irreverence on most topics is necessary to deal with most things.….”Ya hafta laugh” 

It’s one of the reasons Jon Stewart does so well, that and of course the puppet show that can be law making in this country.

When South Park started having a talking poo as a regular character…and two kids who were mentally/and physically challenged saying all the punch lines in slowed and slurred speech, I changed the channel.  I haven’t really switched back. There again is my line.

My wandering point is this… I’m all for a great set of jokes, smart, witty, insightful and poignant, sometimes I even like gross.

And I believe in everyone’s right to express them.  I can always change the channel.

 I do not expect to get my moral compass from a cartoon and I do expect to dislike some of what I see. 

Bullying is becoming more acknowledged in this country, specifically because of the last few months.  Several young men have taken their own lives and several have been brutally beaten just because they were gay.

The media have jumped on this band wagon big time.  Shows on TV are addressing it.  Talk show host are monologuing about it. Websites have been set up to create a network for those fighting against abuse, verbal, physical or mental.

Being gay is a trial for a lot of young men and women.

Recently a gay slur in a trailer for a new movie received a great deal of backlash, because as much as they candy coated it, in that scene, they were derogatory.

So who’s left? Who can we as a society make fun of on a general basis and everybody else won’t care? 

Well? What about all the fat people? That’ll work…Don’t get me wrong, there are many other types of people that are being made fun of, but this seems to be,  from most evidence socially acceptable

Bullying is bullying…verbal abuse is verbal abuse…mental anguish is mental anguish.

I am almost 40 years old and some stranger called me a fat bitch in the street two days ago and I can’t seem to shake it.  He cut in front of me, 15 ft from a stop light without indicating, so I hit the horn, basically cuz he scared the crap out of me.  He got out of his car, saw me…told me to “Shut Up You Stupid Fat Bitch” and drove off. 

I happened at the Pink Concert last year, leaving safeway with groceries, shouted from a passing car as I waited for the bus.  One time, convinced that I was cutting in line at Costco, a man took more than a few minutes to assess what my friend and I had in our cart and announced at some volume that it was …..”No wonder your ass is as big as it is…look at all that food”  His partners cart seemed more full, but I might have imagined that.  When asked by his partner “ What are you doing?” ….he responded “ Oh no don’t worry….she deserves it”

This unfortunately has been a very common theme my whole life.  Which might seem odd as I was not an overweight  kid…but I was tall early, and developed hips and boobs early and by the time I was 12,  I was a size 12.

I know in this country 12 is still considered large (which floors me)  but where I’m from it wasn’t so stark.  I had just entered the race a little early.

So I was ‘big’.   No explanation, no information.  TV didn’t really help me see that I existed, if a plus size person was on anything, they were always sure to mention it! Make fun of it. So as a lot of kids do, when rejected early, sought comfort....not drinking or drugs.....but toast, lots of warm comforting toast....


And as they say, watch out for escalation.....

There have been some steps, but overall I feel like there are certain adjectives that have become synonymous with being….’big”

E.g. Lazy…see reference point …."Big fat and lazy",

Others include but are not limited to....... unhealthy, dirty, gross and unfit.

I do enjoy seeing what the dictionary has to offer...on occasion it can be a sideline, a bulls-eye or a complete change in view...this time it offered all three.....however what intrigues me is its use as one of it's definitions.............productive/rich.  

Here's some other positives listed, (none I've ever heard on the playground, mind you....) Flourishing, fruitful, good (yes...good...look it up!), Lush, prosperous, cushy, fertile and thriving.

Oh........... to have been told I was cushy and lush.   A good and softer alternative for the boys to play with.......that would have been nice.

There is such hypocrisy in this country, we scream for the rights to free speech for equality for everyone.  But locally, in the day to day........ the discrimination is everywhere.

I’m not asking for a revolution.  

I am asking for that moment before you speak.           

Before you go straight to hate or anger or whatever possesses you to expel yourself on another human being.  A human being who is just like you, who struggles with life’s own usually sarcastic and ironic turns. Who has a family, whether that be good or bad…and is just trying to get through the day with some self respect and dignity…...

We are your mothers, your sisters, your aunts, your children, your lovers and your friends.

Before you go to that place, before you expel, maybe be kind instead.... or just keep that comment, (which by the way feels like an expression of how all people feel, a dagger to one’s self confidence, a true and audible representation of one’s own fear, a reason to stay behind closed doors).   

Your restraint, could be the peace that gives someone the strength to get through the next day....
 

So........ Come on America.

Top Ten Blogs about Depression : 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/12/22/top-ten-depression-blogs-2010/

A Body Positive Site:

http://bodypositive.com/

An Organization ending size discrimination:

http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/

Retail Therapy:

http://www.torrid.com
http://www.igigi.com

So You Think You Can Dance? 

http://www.bigmoves.org/

 

One More Day

I ran into a friend recently, someone who I haven’t seen in many months.  He used to be a bartender at one of my favorite jazz clubs here in the city.  It has since closed down which is a terrible shame, as not only did art suffer but I lost a whole other family. 

When I was going there, sometimes to see a show, sometimes to perform I always had a great time and felt accepted and appreciated.  Many times a musician friend of mine would call last minute and say he had a free ticket to his show….I’d take the 3 buses it would require to get there and good event or bad I would see my friends and talk about the art.

I watched artists develop and the people who ran it!

One such story is the girl who used to run the door became the manager and a boy who was a waiter who fell for her… Over the years I watched the romance develop and watched them move in together and then a baby…..amazing….I loved them both, they were always sweet to me and such a wonderful couple…

But then the venue closed and we promised to keep in touch and eventually we all drifted away.  Life, love and the pursuit of financial security kept us all busy.

And then last week, I run into my friend who has news of my family, my lost artists………….and he has taken his own life at 30 with my friend the manager and 2 babies left behind….because of Depression.

I face the thought of that choice often.  I am grateful to say today, that it does not consume my every waking moment.  However only up until recently it did.  

Why wake up?  Why Bother? What could I do tonight that might allow me to not wake up?

The thought of facing another day can be the most daunting choice that you can conceive of.  For those who are not afflicted with this disease, and yes it is a disease, that concept may seem unbelievable to you.  Far fetched.  It is impossible to describe to someone not living it.  And even to those of us who do live it,  each day it is still specific, still various to our own personal chemistry.  Creating our own personal hell.

It is a rollercoaster, and you just don’t know what the next day can bring, it could be better, but unfortunately in the depths of this disease it can be, and often is, worse.

I am currently relatively stable, leaving my house on a more regular basis and not completely encompassed by fear, and so in this moment I can say to those who suffer, it WILL get better.  Be gentle to yourself, keep your daily agenda small and give yourself great credit for just getting out of bed.  I truly know how hard it is.  And if you can get help…..free clinics and cheap mental health care is available…I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and I have meds at about $40 for months worth and counseling at about $35 an hour.  It can be done.

I lost a friend this week and his family lost a son, a father and a husband.  As much as you might not see your worth, we need you…please hang on..just one more day and then lets see how the next one goes. 

http://www.healthysanfrancisco.org/visitors/

http://www.accessinst.org/services.html

http://sfprg.org/low_fee_clinic.html

Depression Is The New Black

Not to say everyone should have it….keep it in your closet…the old reliable…the staple…No… dear god no.

It’s becoming more visible, more mainstream, more accepted, more talked about, more understood…as much as it can be.

I saw as recently as a few weeks ago that Jon Hamm of  “Mad Men” (…. the irony is complimentary ) has suffered with the disease, along with, in the entertainment world… Jim Carey, Drew Barrymore, Drew Carey, Russell Brand, Jane Pauly, and Zach Braff…to name but a few…

Willaim Styron, the man responsible for the award winning “Sophie’s Choice” also wrote a powerful book about his own struggle with Depression…I have never read anything that so accurately described the constant chaos that exists in the mind, that so contradicts what is commonly misconstrued with Depression...

 It is not a sedative state, it is manic, unruly and consistently various in its nature..

In a passage in the book, he details the events leading up to an award ceremony in Europe to honor him and how incapable he was of finding any joy in any of the surrounding circumstances..A wife that loved and supported him, who was there, his peers, his colleagues gathered to speak in one voice that they deemed him worthy of honor.   His work was worthy, his art had affected millions and it was time to scream that love from the rooftops.

His response was one of dread, fear and utter panic.  Sweating and pining at his lot in life, wishing some horror to befall him so as to excuse his own presence.  He spoke to me in those passages and I finally felt heard.  

He also spoke of the word’s origin and how itself, doesn’t make clear the mania that is hand in hand with the disease  “noun of action from deprimere  "to press down, depress" “

As an artist, I struggle with my various muses and the need to feel understood, to have my voices, whether they be print, paint or voice to be as clear as a bell when it comes to message I am sending..

To know that men and women of worth, means and no means can create art while housing this beast gives me pause, pause to say….Do I belong?    ….here with them?  Belong with them because I too carry the same vortex of fear and because I wish to scream my messages without actually opening my mouth.

Are my messages as worthy? As literary ? As colorful, as poetic, or am I in their room because I too lack the peace I see in so many others.

Western medicine is a relative virgin when it comes to treating depression as every single person with this disease is a virtual snowflake of specifics.  Which is why no set medication can work en mass.

We are guinea pigs that must suffer the trial and error of physical chemical warfare, in tandem with talk therapy to achieve any internal balance. 

I have accepted many comments in the moment, (especially in those moments of vulnerability )that infuriate me later, sometimes minutes, but most often weeks later.  The frustrated unfeeling comments of uneducated so called friends.  “Snap out of It” “Get over yourself”  “You’re just trying to be dramatic”, all of which I have taken and barely squeaked out a reply of “ I wish I could”.

We who suffer are stronger than most, as we choose to try and live each day.  Living truly living and not coping is the ultimate goal because all we want is to feel better, if we could only figure out how.

“The madness of depression is the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk. Soon evident are the slowed-down responses, near paralysis, psychic energy throttled back close to zero. Ultimately, the body is affected and feels sapped, drained. “

-William Styron

From Darkness Visible - A Memoir Of Madness