Healing the Past

My past has personified itself in the last 2 months. The hardest relationships in my life, the most beautiful and the most toxic have quite literally been clawing their way onto every communication device I own………….. whether they work or not.

Calls and words, promises and regrets, invitations and wistful longing.

I’m left asking why…why them? Why now?

Is it closure? Is it renewal? Are they different, are they safer? Will they break my heart? Will they even rip it from me?

My wounds feel fresh again.  I question my weaknesses, I question my meds.  Mostly I am fearful.  It feels like too much to expect from me right now.  Too much to ask of me…to risk their friendships…again.

I do not………..feel strong.

So what do I do?  More questions…….

I am feeling contained in my mania.  It’s all there, in capitals, as I close my eyes, as I look around my apt…In almost all music.

I believe I have fallen again….I believe I see the fall.  I feel halted ….

Except I’m trapped, as if any motion, any thought, any experience will trigger my descent.

Chaos confined.

In the spinning, in all the spinning, I mainly see the good.  Everything good that was.

I am so confused, so hurt, so scared.

See I love them.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Dad’s death………..god I hate that word…it is concise I’ll give you that, but it feels like the definitive bookend, like it’s the only thing my dad ever did was to die.

It always seemed strange to me that it’s the anniversary of his passing that we note….Like that’s a day any of us want to remember….

It took years to get into Christmas again…..I used to wear protective earphones with my discman for fear of breaking down at the dulcet tones of Bing Crobsy.   But I did it…it took a long time but I did it.

Maybe because all of the men reaching out to me have, in many ways, been slices of that male figure… There was a time when I believed not one of them would hurt me…

I now just feel loss and distrust.

I wish I felt otherwise, I wish I knew how to forgive and to trust again….I want to.

This is the part where I’d love to talk solutions, answers……directions towards the right light.  I don’t know if I have any general terms by which to measure this….This in particular, is most specific to all the little variables…………. That compose our song…The rise, the fall….n’ all.

I want to see us all around a table, smiling and loving and swapping stories…I don’t even know if that’s possible.  Somehow I doubt it…

So what can I do for now?….I can’t set the table……

I can try to breathe……?……I’ve heard good things about breathing……………………………..

Sometimes I realize I’ve been holding my breath, for god knows how long until I have to gasp.  It’s a strange sensation…

Now……………if I could just figure out how to breathe….