Healing The Past – Part 2
I have been accused over the years that I dwell too much on the past….I know I have an excruciating time letting go…
I think it comes from feeling something tangible about a memory ….knowing something for sure is a lot easier after 10 or 15 years…….in the moment, is the challenge.
I also believe that it comes from the fact that I have no mirrors from that time…all my siblings have friends from their youth, still in their lives…I don’t….not sure why….but there is some peace I find in having someone in your life who has known you most of yours.
Beauty or tragedy….all…… if unfinished, unsung, or unclosed, sits with me, permeating my brain with pictures. Pictures lush and laser-like in their clarity………
I know what he said, what he was wearing, how his eyes looked, if he turned to look back at me….so.... If unresolved….these pictures, scents and sounds encompass my mind…..like a flood…
Many people I have loved have left my daily life unfinished…….
Our relationships bruised, bleeding. Some of my wounds have yet to heal, some are fresh and some like war...... are weathered by time, faint but visible.
In the last few months and since my last post about this same subject, I have sought out memories unfinished, those that were lost by the wayside, due to less traumatic means.
Youth……..distance…….change of address…..lost in the 'what if ?'…. How are they…..file.
I sought them…..for balance…..for solace…..for they said they loved me once…..I just don’t know where they are…..
Seeking confidence in the fact, that I needed to remember I meant something to someone emotionally, and sometimes romantically....
I do forget I am loved, I do….possibly because it doesn’t reside in my house or my bed….and that kind of love is a rare thing in my life……..
It is a source of sadness for me……..the lack of time clocked with one person.
Sharing everything……….space, conversation, each other.
I crave it………..I know though, that my mind has not been my own, ( as I remember it ) for a long time, and the amount of questions and variables that usually punctuate my every waking hour….are not in the least bit conducive to connecting romantically with ANYONE……
Doesn’t mean I did want Prince Charming to ride in and say “Oh by the way I’m here to Love you unconditionally! And I’ve just checked with Science who tells me that my love will cure you of your insecurity and fear forever! Plus by accepting this offer you will automatically lose 50lbs but you need to know, I Love you just the way you are! “
Yeah…it came up….but overall I knew I wasn’t ready, but I would have welcomed a hand and a smile…
So when Christmas hit like a ton of bricks and the woodwork became so infested with lost loved ones trying to burrow back into my heart….I needed to find them….those others...those lost to time...by circumstance....not trauma. Needed to see if they were out there…happy….and as beautiful as I remembered them..
I don’t mean physically either…they radiated…They were many things….and yes I am romanticizing them….which is my right…..but truthfully…I speak with such affection because of how they made me feel.
They truly made me feel like the thing that books warped our Barbie buying minds about….
That I, was the ONLY one….In that moment….for all the moments we spent together….I was the only one in the room, in the dancehall, on the planet..
Didn’t matter where we were….and believe me, there were no candlelit dinners, no epic scenes….just a slide in a playground and a northern town.
Youth prevented the excess of situation….which of course add to the beauty…I have a very clear memory of vinyl Beatles records…….which never hurts….
Soundtrack to most of our lives……
I had searched for one of them a few years ago….around Christmas too…maybe we all get sentimental and reach out and that time....especially if we are far from family….
But I had looked for ‘Jack’ because I remembered his birthday was right after mine…so it was up soon in January……I had even paid to search his name through a database but the number wasn’t right…..
Jack was something else….he did wonders for my self esteem!
He was my summer love…..he was literally Tall Dark and Handsome….and yes all three deserve capitals.
His letters started to come back. I was almost 18, we had been writing since we met in the summer of ’87 in Augusta Maine.
I been allowed at 15, to go to America for the summer to look after kids, they would pay my ticket…and give me a few hundred dollars for 3 months work.. I jumped at the chance to be there, I had been to the US twice before, once when I was 6 and then 12, and each time was a rich full experience….Love, beauty, family, tradition, heat, swimming and bbq’s, 27 beer commercials wrapped into one visit..
Yes please!!!!
So I go….Maine. Maine is a unique place. Storybook houses and old court buildings, trees everywhere, and some of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen.
Quite honestly….and this may seem crazy….but I had never really seen the stars…….the clarity of a summer evening in Augusta Maine is breathtaking, simply breath taking….and I mention this for 2 reasons…one the pure beauty…..and 2 will follow.
So here I am in this postcard……
The playground that my young ward and I frequented was one a block away…so we spent most of our time there.
I actually don’t remember the first time we met……but all the kids in the neighborhood would hang out there too.
Man was he something………
So tall….6 3….everyone in his family was even taller…..his brother was 6 7….crazy right??
Dark and a smile from a toothpaste commercial……..heavy John Hughes style sigh of reference.
I don’t know how it happened…I don’t even remember our first kiss, but I know he liked me……and actually his friend (who looked liked pre-scientology post top gun tom crazy cruise )..liked me TOO !!!! I was in frickin made-for t.v.-movie heaven…
No wonder I moved here! Sheesh....
He liked me……and there was nowhere to go in Augusta Maine if you are a teenager and horny…….
Of course there was the playground………
So that’s what we did….hung out in the playground during the day and when I was done hanging with the babies, the neighborhood kids and I would use the playground……
Jack and I would end up alone……somehow…and lie down on the slide….him behind me, wrapping his long arms around my 5 4 frame…and he told me what stars I was looking at……The main one, the one that for the whole summer was positioned over our slide……..was the big dipper……he knew all the names…..most of em……hell maybe he made some of them up……I just believed him and as much as makeout sessions happened, the part where truly time stood still was on that slide, looking up into the clear night, being warmed by young love……..
That was my guy……
I can also tell you that Carmex was the lip balm of choice and that smell always transports me to Augusta Maine…..
So where was he……?
I found the old print out in cleaning the house……..all his sibling’s names….former addresses….
What the hell... let's see if I put his full name and last listed town into Facebook………..
Holy God! There he is….not sporting the long hair I was used to….but no doubt in my mind…those are his eyes….
I exhaled…….knowing that one glorious question had been answered….He’s ok.
At no time did I seek either former love to rekindle a justly dormant romance……no I needed to let go of them…..let go of what they once were….release back into memory something tangible.
He did exist! And he did love me once….that’s
enough strength for now.
That validation, that shared experience, only we
knew what it was…..it was something I was sure belonged to us both…..but holding it alone it felt less special.
I know, I know, it’s not true but sometimes it felt that way……the rollercoaster that is my emotional make up doesn’t always see the correct signage.
….And It was simple…..joking…..stunned yet safe words of love and understanding, that we had lived our lives together for awhile…..and it meant something to us both….catch...and release…..
I felt the joy of teenage blushes, and for the first time in a while saw the small spark that someone had seen in me a long time ago…….and I exhaled again….
I knew I had heard good things about this breathing thing……..
Boy #2 will have to wait for another day…..
