One More Day

I ran into a friend recently, someone who I haven’t seen in many months.  He used to be a bartender at one of my favorite jazz clubs here in the city.  It has since closed down which is a terrible shame, as not only did art suffer but I lost a whole other family. 

When I was going there, sometimes to see a show, sometimes to perform I always had a great time and felt accepted and appreciated.  Many times a musician friend of mine would call last minute and say he had a free ticket to his show….I’d take the 3 buses it would require to get there and good event or bad I would see my friends and talk about the art.

I watched artists develop and the people who ran it!

One such story is the girl who used to run the door became the manager and a boy who was a waiter who fell for her… Over the years I watched the romance develop and watched them move in together and then a baby…..amazing….I loved them both, they were always sweet to me and such a wonderful couple…

But then the venue closed and we promised to keep in touch and eventually we all drifted away.  Life, love and the pursuit of financial security kept us all busy.

And then last week, I run into my friend who has news of my family, my lost artists………….and he has taken his own life at 30 with my friend the manager and 2 babies left behind….because of Depression.

I face the thought of that choice often.  I am grateful to say today, that it does not consume my every waking moment.  However only up until recently it did.  

Why wake up?  Why Bother? What could I do tonight that might allow me to not wake up?

The thought of facing another day can be the most daunting choice that you can conceive of.  For those who are not afflicted with this disease, and yes it is a disease, that concept may seem unbelievable to you.  Far fetched.  It is impossible to describe to someone not living it.  And even to those of us who do live it,  each day it is still specific, still various to our own personal chemistry.  Creating our own personal hell.

It is a rollercoaster, and you just don’t know what the next day can bring, it could be better, but unfortunately in the depths of this disease it can be, and often is, worse.

I am currently relatively stable, leaving my house on a more regular basis and not completely encompassed by fear, and so in this moment I can say to those who suffer, it WILL get better.  Be gentle to yourself, keep your daily agenda small and give yourself great credit for just getting out of bed.  I truly know how hard it is.  And if you can get help…..free clinics and cheap mental health care is available…I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and I have meds at about $40 for months worth and counseling at about $35 an hour.  It can be done.

I lost a friend this week and his family lost a son, a father and a husband.  As much as you might not see your worth, we need you…please hang on..just one more day and then lets see how the next one goes. 

http://www.healthysanfrancisco.org/visitors/

http://www.accessinst.org/services.html

http://sfprg.org/low_fee_clinic.html