Robin Williams died today

Robin Williams died today.....

He lived very close to me, just across the bridge and actually used to live in Seacliff which is only blocks from my house...Anyone who would come to visit me got taken by the dinosaur topiaries that peeked over his hedge. Something very comforting knowing that so many of my childhood memories were encompassed in the humor of one man...and he was right over there, case I forgot.

Its only been a few hours since I heard, and the collective talking points of those local radio personalities who knew him ( through one San Francisco project or another ) is that he wasn't himself lately..

Sounds simple.....not noteworthy. A regular person wouldn't give that phrase a second thought. The second I heard those words, the picture I know far too well came into view, and in that instant I understood.

I've written about depression before, and for those of you who don't know its something I've been dealing with my whole life...I had been living a manic emotional existence from as far back as I can remember....not until 1998/9 was I actually diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

When I've chosen to tell people, the manic elements of the disease seem to be the hardest for them to understand. “But you're depressed....surely it just that you want to just do nothing....”

For me...(and its specifically unique for everyone who suffers)....every thought has a hundred answers or questions.... and every one of those has five hundred possible next steps....on and on....until your head is swirling with every variable, and in all scenarios, fear is ever present, guiding, cajoling, mocking, and driving you at reckless speed towards a cliff you are actually considering leaping from.....

….So you do nothing.......so none of those possible futures will come true....so the risk of being seen, being talked to, saying the right or wrong thing, being complimented or ridiculed, loved or abused stays firmly in fiction. Which then absolves you from the burden of choice and the ball you may or may not have put in motion.....

So you are safe.....for now.

I wasn't sure this time that it was back, but after several months of physical pain, the uncertainly of my health....and this one incident in which I waited until 10pm to leave my house just to get milk.... (I hadn't eaten yet that day, I was afraid to be out in the daylight)....I found the process of this 10 minute activity excruciating... A panic attack ensued, I was drenched in sweat and shaking profusely...It was back.

I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help when I inhabit this space, part of the problem is that my brain tells me no-one wants to know...my brain, my instincts are alien to me, in the millions..... and running...constantly running a series of possible outcomes...all of them negative...

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to take that final step....just so it would end....so I wouldn't be forced to navigate this storm....because finding a path through is different every time, and utterly grueling..

It's an assault seemingly from some outside source, but its actually internal. It manages to take up residence inside you and skew every view.

I am currently crawling out of the dark, and its only because of this story, Robin William's story that I felt urged to share a part of mine. During some of the other times I've fallen, (which is how I phrase depression's return) I have been motivated to try and help those struggling...I don't really have a message today....I am sad that this very talented man couldn't see a glimmer of light....or the hint of a horizon, more importantly I am sad because he couldn't take one more second living with his disease....he couldn't take one more second....One small part of me is envious because his pain is finally over.

I have wondered why so many people take that last step, what occurs to me is that there is belief that peace exists on the other side of that moment...truly exhaling...the end of the torture....but you'll never be able to really know....because there is no coming back from that particular moment.

So what do you do? I don't have the answers for you, today I chose to write.